Palo Santo and Sage- Growing pains

This year, I just want to focus on loving up myself so relentlessly, fearlessly and unapologetically, with no condition, no filter, no distractions. It has been a busy few years. And the only way I knew how to juggle everything was to put myself on the back burner (which I am not recommending, at all). The more I prioritised all the other hats I wore I dropped out the hat wearer (myself). I lost myself in ways I didn’t even think was possible. In particular my confidence and self-belief, which was once an unfathomable concept to me. I don’t know if you’ve met a Gemini before, but we’re probably amongst some of the most confident “inna real life” kind of people. I had self-belief that was though the roof, with effortless resilience and natural adaptability. So when I found myself in a position where some of my best, most natural attributes were gone, I knew I had a problem but didn’t comprehend the finite details of how I got here. How I got to a space where I was looking at old pictures, videos, thinking about past achievements, knowing that who I’ve currently become is so far from that. Missing that glow, missing that smile - knowing I “was” levels, sitting in the reality of feeling like I fell off. It was mad. Feeling pissed off at the thought of “starting again” because I know the work it took to get there. Feeling dooped by life because I felt like I done everything “right”. (I’ll come back to the need to be and do right and how hindering it can be to growth and healing).

If you were a fly on the wall at that time in my life, you would have said what are you talking about. Your ducks are in a row, you make stuff happen so effortlessly and ultimately, you’re living the dream. But one of the biggest lessons of that time (and there were many) is that being highly functional doesn’t always mean that you’re functioning healthily or at your optimum and society has a way of placing the Black woman in particular into the strong box. The independent, tough box and the no limits to how much of life’s adversity’s we can manage and overcome without having healthy expressions of human emotions box. I got tired of that though. A life of surviving. Living in survival, but I just wanna be. But society tells us that us being isn’t enough, unless were doing.

We're often conditioned in a way that those around us fall in love with our hand before they do our hearts, over functioning in all our interactions, because a lot of us didn’t have dads in our homes affirming our worth. So external validation becomes more important, more important than that innate knowing. As a result we become out of touch with our intuition and start free flowing, get lost because our intuition is that divine knowing.

I got to a point of self-reflection, heightened self- awareness, humbleness and more than that, the need to just surrender and let go. Surrender to the will of the Most High, and the universe’s ebb and flow. Because when you go against that, its like going against the tide. And the need to be right, can keep you stuck in a phunk. The ability to surrender reminded me that I actually knew the "how". How to pick yourself back up after an L (lesson), how to apply the wisdom of the L (lesson), how to rebalance out my energy, realign so I’m so in connection with divinity. Invest in myself in a way that brings about peace and betterment, which amplifies who I am gives me no choice but to live in the fullness of your highest frequency.

I started small small, and reconnected with my foundation- prayer, meditation, doing things that reminded me of who I was. From re-reading some of the books that originally put me on, reconnecting with my truest essence or whining up myself in the mirror to my favourite dancehall song- and everything in between. Before I got to a point of prioritising my needs, I had to figure out what that was. Because the person I was previously was gone and she weren’t coming back. I was never going to be that person again. I choose to grow into better, wiser., more authentic and truer, more attentive version of myself.

When you have moments of feeling lost and/or out of touch with yourself, remember that all you need to know in those moments, is you! And it is the getting to know you again, in the fullness of your true essence, your light, your beauty, your intricacies and complexities that will direct you to where you need to be. Don't forget your Palo santo and Sage - Life's growing pains!

Love always!

Shants

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